You're reading 20th Century Refugee, the infrequently published newsletter of author Glen Cadigan. Except this one is just two weeks after the last one appeared, so you never know when one will pop up. Speaking of popping up...
Third Time's The Charm
Today is the official release date for Bedlam & Belfry, Intergalactic Attorneys at Law: The 3rd Dozen. The ebook can be purchased right now at Barnes & Noble, Kobo, Apple, and of course, Amazon. If you want a physical copy, Amazon is your best bet since the chances are slim that you'll find it in your local bookstore. (When was the last time you visited your local bookstore, anyway?) There's an audiobook on the way, but it won't be here for a while. (Of course, there are already audiobooks of The 1st Dozen & The 2nd Dozen, so if you've fallen behind and want to catch up before the third one gets here, I won't stop you...)
If you're unfamiliar with Bedlam & Belfry, they're a pair of ambulance-chasing attorneys in the future, although I should really refer to them as solicitors because they're British. The stories are all written in the first person by someone who crosses their paths (usually clients, but not always), and they're really, really good at what they do. That they've ruined people's lives goes without saying (they are lawyers), but if they're representing you, you're right where you want to be. Think of how every Sherlock Holmes story was narrated by Watson (another British duo) and that'll put you in the right frame of mind for a good B&B yarn. Keeping them at arm's length also keeps them inscrutible, which is exactly the way lawyers ought to be -- at arm's length, I mean.
If you're uncertain if Bedlam & Belfry are the right fictional characters for you, scroll down to read one of the twelve stories contained within The 3rd Dozen for absolutely nothing! It's a short one told by their cleaning lady, who's seen a lot in all the years she's been picking up after them. And if you're worried that you have to read the first two volumes before you read this one, you really don't. Bedlam & Belfry stories don't take place in chronological order, but jump around in their timeline. Basically, the wealthier their client, the older they are. Each story is self-contained, although the ones narrated by the Devil (he's a big fan of theirs) do allude to times he's met them in the past. There's one in every book because they just seem to keep bumping into each other. Maybe it's because they have acquaintances in common?
Also, for all you comic book fans out there! "Bedlam & Belfry Save The Day" is inspired by (and borrows heavily from) actual events that occured to actual comic book creators. It's mostly things that happened to Jerry Siegel and Joe Shuster, but if you know your funny book history, you'll be able to pick out winks and nods to other events that required legal intervention. And if you think the title of the story gives the ending away, I wouldn't be so sure of that if I was you!
Plus! Did I mention that in an age when a 300 page physical book is expected to go for $24.99, this one is only $14.99? It's priced to move! And the ebook is just $6.99! How can we afford these low, low prices? We can't afford not to, frankly. Hundreds of new books are published every month and in order to get your attention, that's what it takes. So if you ever felt bad about reading this newsletter for free and wanted to send some money my way to show your appreciation, you could assuage your guilty conscience by buying The 3rd Dozen in either physical or digital form. (Or both! I won't tell anyone if you won't!) And if you don't have room in your house for another book, consider the ebook! It takes up zero space, and you don't have to actually read it if you buy it! You can just let it linger there in cyberspace forever! Somehow, the money will find me either way!
Copy & Paste
Remember I said earlier that an audiobook of The 3rd Dozen is in the works? As it turns out, I've got a limited number of promo codes available which will allow you to stream The 1st Dozen on Spotify for free! Just copy and paste the weird lines below and go here to listen on a first come, first serve basis. Unfortunately, they're only good for listeners in the U.S. of A., so I can't test drive one myself on the grounds that I'm a Canadian. But I have confidence in you that you'll figure it out!
https://authors-direct.com/spotify/?code=SPOT-01GM-Y7PB-0YWR-Z4M4-PKGG-APR1TE
https://authors-direct.com/spotify/?code=SPOT-01GM-Y7PB-0YH9-QETG-WRZ4-ZXCR25
https://authors-direct.com/spotify/?code=SPOT-01GM-Y7PB-0YS9-78HG-CDMY-QHMPHE
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https://authors-direct.com/spotify/?code=SPOT-01GM-Y7PB-0YBW-SS86-FVMD-YD2175
https://authors-direct.com/spotify/?code=SPOT-01GM-Y7PB-0Y6Q-E1NY-SY9D-B7NN4E
https://authors-direct.com/spotify/?code=SPOT-01GM-Y7PB-0YNH-SPFJ-V93G-3XZDDG
https://authors-direct.com/spotify/?code=SPOT-01GM-Y7PB-0Y6M-BTQA-6REJ-355SXQ
https://authors-direct.com/spotify/?code=SPOT-01GM-Y7PB-0YER-40S2-T6EX-W97E88
And now, without further ado...
Bedlam & Belfry: After Dark
So you want to know about Bedlam & Belfry, do you? I’ll tell you about Bedlam & Belfry, Intergalactic Attorneys at Law! I know lots about those two, don’t I? Haven’t I been their cleaning lady for years? Haven’t I been taking out their rubbish, and waxing their floors, and cleaning their windows with barely anything to show for it? Not that I’m expecting an annuity, but a bit o’ gratitude would be nice!
Here’s what I know about them, starting with their trash. First, they shred everything, then incinerate it. They’ve got a mobile incinerator in their office, and I’m the one who has to clean the ashes out of it. Then they’ve got everything locked away. Their long term files are in a vault, and the ones they’re working with now go into their drawers at the end of the day, which are sealed with a fingerprint and a code. If you try to break in, everything will be incinerated, or so they say.
You can’t get on any of their computers, either, without a password, not even to check your messages. You have to bring your own device, and good luck getting on their network. There’s another password for that, and they’re not sharing it.
Bedlam takes his tea hot, but Belfry lets it drop down a bit. He can still sip it if it’s room temperature, but Bedlam will throw his out and start all over again. He’s also fussy over the brand, but Belfry isn’t as fussy. I know what those brands are, but I’m not telling.
They usually work late, and that means they rarely show up to the office early. Their receptionist gets in before them, and if I’m having a late night, I don’t have to worry about running into them in the morning. Sometimes they’re there all night, but that’s rare.
When they do stay late enough that our paths cross, sometimes they ask me things. They want to know what I think about this or that, or if some argument is more persuasive than another. I’m their test audience, I suppose, although I’ve never sat on a jury a day in me life.
Sometimes they’ll make specific requests, like to leave the conference room alone because they’ve got things spread out in there. One time, I was blamed for throwing something out that they’d just misplaced, but they didn’t want to start all over again with a new cleaning woman, so I held onto me job. When it turned up, they made a big show of apologizing for it, to get back on me good side. A little later, they offered me a hotel suite they weren’t using for a weekend getaway. It was a nice touch, but I still don’t trust ‘em as far as I can throw ‘em.
They treat the little people right. They make everyone feel as if they’re special, but the little people they speak to as if they’re on the same level. They know that there are eyes and ears everywhere, and they don’t want anyone going around, talking about them, like I’m doing right now. They get a lot of information about other people that way and they don’t want it going back the other way. But I’m just telling you about the good stuff, right? Like I said, they treat the little people like they should, so I’ve got no complaints.
One time I saw a woman in there after dark, and if you knew who she was, you wouldn’t be asking me about them! They’ve always got famous people coming and going, but not whilst I’m around, except for that one time.
They’re taller than you’d think. They don’t look so tall when they stand next to each other, but put ‘em next to somebody else and you can see the difference.
They’ve got nice washrooms in their offices. Like the kind you’d see in fancy hotels, only not so big. Sometimes they have to shower before court, and I have to clean up in there, too.
I’ve seen flats that aren’t as big as their offices. One time one of them was living there when his woman threw him out of the house, but that wasn’t for too long. I suppose I shouldn’t’ve said that, but I didn’t tell you which one, did I?
Sometimes I’ll see something funny in the bins, and I’ll wonder what it is. I never ask, though. Not my place.
If you’ve got a legal question for them and you’re a cleaning lady, they’ll answer it. They’re polite like that.
They like it when people are loyal to them, but that doesn’t always work both ways. If they want something and you’re in their way, they’ll cut you in half to get at it.
They dress well, and they smell nice. All their clothes are bespoke, from the finest tailors around. One time I walked in on one of ‘em getting his trousers altered. He was standing on a chair, and the tailor was stitching ‘em up, right where he stood. Not everyone has a tailor who makes house calls after hours, but they do.
Sometimes I use their showers. They’ve got lovely water pressure!
They’ve got their own system of decorating their offices. Sometimes I’ll walk in and everything is all changed around, and I’ll have to figure out where everything is now. That doesn’t happen too often, but once it happened twice in one year. (I think it was one of their wives who had something to do with that.)
They’ve got fine taste in art. They’ve always got fancy paintings on the walls, and sometimes I even recognize them. Bedlam sees it as an investment; Belfry sees it as decoration.
Bedlam’s had the same desk for going on six years now. Belfry gets a new one every year – that has something to do with taxes, I believe.
Bedlam is more a creature of habit than Belfry. He likes things to be predictable, whereas Belfry gets bored easier. He’s more likely to switch things around than Bedlam. When he does, I find out about it after it’s done.
They’re generous with their Christmas presents. They like to keep the little people happy, like I said. Every year I get a bottle o’ fine wine, which I drink. I’d never buy it for meself, but as long as it’s free, I’ll drink to their health!
When they’re out of town, I don’t have to work as hard. Sometimes I take a nap on the chesterfield in the lobby; other times, I rest me feet in Bedlam’s chair. It’s a fine chair, very comfy. Brown leather, and well stuffed.
Every once in a while, when I’m walking through their offices, I like to pretend that I’m a solicitor and I’m working on some important case. If I had taken another path in life, who knows, maybe I’d be one today!
You can cook in their kitchen. They’ve also got one of those big freezers, the tall ones. I said once you could fit a body in that, and they looked at me funny.
They keep their home lives and work lives separate. At least, they don’t bring their home lives to the office with them. I can’t say if that’s true the other way around.
I caught a tabloid reporter going through their rubbish in the big bin outside once. I could’ve saved him the trouble and told him there was nothing there, but if he wanted to get the smell of stale tea bags on him, that wasn’t me business.
I’ve been made offers about spying on them, but I’ve turned them all down. If Bedlam & Belfry found out, that’d be the end o’ me. And they’d find out – they’re too smart not to figure out where the leaks are coming from.
They’re always up to something, that’s for sure! You can see the wheels turning in their heads. Sometimes it happens all in a flash, other times they have to puzzle it through. I’ve been witness to late night inspiration many times, and once Belfry even danced with me!
Some people think they’re handsome, but to me they’re just regular blokes. Belfry flirts with me on occasion, and I warn him I’m not catch and release. If he starts something, he’d better be prepared to finish it!
I don’t see why everyone is so interested in them. Take it from me, they’re regular people. What they do around the office isn’t as exciting as what you’d think. They save that stuff for court. They only perform when they’ve got an audience, and the rest is prep work. Not that I see them in action often, mind you – usually, the place is deader than a graveyard when I’m around, especially as they’ve gotten older.
I could go on and on, but there’s only so much I remember. I suppose one day I’ll retire, and then they’ll have to get somebody else to empty their bins for them. I’m not worried about being replaced with a robot, though – you can hack a robot, but you can’t hack me! And you can’t threaten a robot – they’re not programmed for that.
That's it for this newsletter! See you next time!
'Til Then,
Glen